The accepted customs of dress and behavior in a funeral have changed over time, but courtesy never goes out of style. Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral etiquette.
It’s important to know what religious, ethnic or personal considerations you need to take into account. And it’s also important to be respectful of the emotions of close family members.
Here are a few things expected of you:
Sometimes we are at a loss for words when encountering something as final as death. Simply saying “I’m sorry for your loss” is usually enough. Be respectful and listen attentively when spoken to, and offer your own words of condolence.
These days almost anything goes, but only when you know it’s the right thing. In fact, sometimes the deceased has specified the dress code; ‘no black’ is a common request. If you can’t learn the wishes of the family, then dress conservatively, and avoid bright colors. Most people choose formal clothes like a suit, and men normally wear a black tie.
The most important thing is to be comfortable and dress for the weather. Churches and cemeteries can be very cold in the winter. If the funeral is a burial it is advisable to have a change of footwear in the car as most cemeteries are muddy and wet.
Some religions expect you to cover your head, for example, at Greek Orthodox or Jewish ceremonies. Ask the funeral director for advice. If you want to wear a hat, that’s fine.
It doesn’t matter if it is flowers, a donation to a charity or a commitment of service to the family at a later date; as always, “it’s the thought that counts.” Always make sure to provide the family with a signed card, so they know what gift was given, and by whom.
Include not only your name, but your relationship to the deceased: co-worker, gym buddy, or casual acquaintance from the golf club. This helps family place who you are in future.
Do attend the funeral reception if there is one. This may be at the family home, in a private room in a hotel or at the funeral home. It shows your support to the family but don’t feel you have to be there till it finishes.
It’s sometimes awkward for you to do so, but for most people the grieving doesn’t end with a funeral.
If you make a visit to the family there’s no reason your stay has to be a lengthy one.
Remembering their loved one fondly can mean sharing a funny story or two. Just be mindful of the time and place; if others are sharing, then you may do so too. There is simply no good reason you shouldn’t talk about the deceased in a happy, positive tone.
Act according to what is comfortable to you. If you would like to, it is only correct to ask the person who is arranging the funeral for permission.
Chief mourners usually sit at the front. Sometimes, if it is possible, the chief mourner or next of kin sits at the end of the pew next to the coffin. In a large church or chapel that is unlikely to be full, it’s better not to sit at the back. The clergy may have difficulty in making themselves heard and the close family may feel isolated at the front.
If you feel they might be, then don’t take them to the funeral. But, if the deceased meant something to them, it’s a good idea to invite them to share in the experience. It’s a good idea to prepare them beforehand so they know what to expect.
Switch it off before entering the funeral service, or better yet, leave it in the car. All too often, we see people checking their phones for messages during the services or being embarrassed when it rings.
The great Vince Lombardi once said, “If you’re early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late. And if you’re late… don’t bother showing up.” It’s a saying that any athlete has heard a coach say the first day of practice, but it also applies to every other aspect of attending an event. When attending a funeral, be on time. This is not a time to be fashionably late. I understand that you may have got stuck in traffic but when that large wooden door shuts behind you, midway into a loved one’s speech, everyone turns around. We can’t help it; when we hear a sound we turn and I just hope it’s not you I see back there distracting everyone. Even worse is when someone walks in and tries to find a seat, pushing through others to sit down. “Um, excuse me ma’am, mind if I just scoot down in the middle, I know that that girl over there.” What?!
If you are late, wait in the back. But aside from that, if you are late, it’s now standing room only for you. Or wait until the time in the ceremony when people (the family, the priest, rabbi, etc.) switch from the podium to speak. And the only seat you should look for is one in the back
The chief mourners will not want to know that you have just done this or that or going here or there on holiday.
Everyone does, and you can be sure that an apology may be all that’s needed to mend and soothe.
When it’s all over, always remember to continue to offer support and love to the bereaved. The next few months are a time when grieving friends and relatives could need you most. Let them know that your support did not end with the funeral
Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral cortege etiquette.
General Information
The person arranging the funeral decides who will be in the limousines following the hearse. This is usually family and sometimes close friends. Distant family and other friends/neighbours would follow the limousines in their own vehicles or they may choose to meet the procession where the service is being held.
Traditionally yes, but the procession can leave from the home of a close relative. The family may decide to leave from the address where people will return to after, the funeral home or mourners may decide to meet at the place of service. If you are not sure, check with the family or the funeral director.
If you are driving your own vehicle within a funeral procession/cortege
You’ll know ahead of the funeral that you’ll be driving in a funeral procession. Your car should be clean, both inside and out as the funeral procession is about paying respects to the deceased and laying them to rest. You will also want to ensure that the car is in good working order as you would not want the car to break down on the way to the funeral service/ceremony.
Before leaving in the procession it is helpful if you go to your car and wait for the cortege to assemble. It may take a few moments for the family to get into the limousines and for the funeral director to get everything ready.
When driving in the funeral procession, your headlights should be turned on.
You will be driving very slowly – usually 15-25 mph on roads inscreasing to around 35-40 mph on dual carriageways and 55-60mph on motorways.
You will need to stay close to the car in front of you in the procession but allow enough room for braking – do not allow room for a vehicle not in the procession to cut in.
Drive defensively.
Stay in line and with the procession at all times. Do not leave your place in the procession line unless there is an emergency.
Do not follow satellite navigation instructions as the funeral procession route may not be exactly the same as the one chosen by the satellite navigation system.
Our funeral directors will work to keep the cortege together at all times and to help this we can provide cortege markers for the vehicles following the procession to alert passing motorists that they are in a funeral cortege.
Funeral Procession/Cortege nearby. What you should do?
Historically, drivers have shown funeral corteges respect by pulling over to let it pass and driving at a slower speeds. This is now less commonplace as the pace and pressures of life have increased. Do not count on other drivers being courteous, but you can do your part when you encounter a funeral procession.
If you see a funeral procession/cortege we recommend the following advice:
The respect and courtesy you show the funeral procession will be greatly appreciated
Stopping what you are doing is usually welcomed and the good old fashioned doffing of the cap or removing your hat altogether still goes down well.
If you are crossing the road it is appreciated if people do not cross the road in front of a funeral procession/cortege but standing by a zebra crossing can be confusing and hearse drivers will generally stop to be sure. It’s best to make it plain you are allowing the procession/cortege to proceed by standing back.
Flowers sent to the funeral home serve as a tribute at the service of the deceased.
They add decoration, beauty, fragrance and life to a somber event. They are symbolic not only of love and
sympathy but also of eternity and immortality. Throughout the world, funeral flowers have played an
important role in funeral customs because of their fragrant beauty and comforting qualities.
In ancient times, tradition called for loved ones to use flowers and herbs to anoint the bodies of the deceased,
while aromatic flowers and plants were used to decorate the burial site.
Today, flowers remain one of the most beautiful ways to express our condolences when words fail us.
Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral flowers etiquette.
What’s the difference between “funeral flowers” and “sympathy flowers”?
Flowers for the funeral service go to the funeral home. The arrangements are often large and formal and provide decoration and serve as a tribute to the deceased. They will look best in a church, crematorium and at graveside services. Funeral flowers are usually not addressed to a particular loved one of the deceased but are intended, instead, as a way to pay respect to the deceased themselves. Funeral flowers should never be sent to the home as they can be upsetting to grieving people when sent to home or office.
Sympathy flowers go to the home of the deceased. They should be addressed and sent directly to a loved one of the deceased (family member, friend, acquaintance or business associate) who has suffered a recent loss. They are usually smaller or mid-sized floral arrangements that look good on end tables or used as centerpieces. Plants also make a great sympathy choice because they provide a lasting reminder of your thoughtfulness and serve as a keepsake in memory of the recipient’s loved one.
I just heard the sad news… Is it too late to send funeral flowers?
No matter when you hear the sad news, sending flowers is always appropriate. If you still have time, you can choose to send a flower arrangement to the funeral service or if you already missed the funeral, then you could send a plant or sympathy flowers sent to the home of the surviving family members.
The obituary says “In lieu of funeral flowers,” but I still would like to send flowers – is this appropriate?
As part of making funeral arrangements, family members sometimes request a charitable donation is made “in lieu of flowers”. We think you should make the contribution, however it is also acceptable if you decide you would also like to send flowers to the funeral service. Your donation will honour the family request and the flowers will add beauty, fragrance and life to a somber event.
I am unsure on what to say and how to sign the card.
Most enclosure cards are pre-printed with messages like “Deepest sympathy” or “With love and sympathy.” All you need to do is sign your name. You should use your first and last name to avoid confusion for the family. If there are a group of names, you should spell each one for the person taking the order to make sure he or she has the correct information
We collected money among the people in our office to send flowers. How do we sign the card?
When sending flowers from a group, sign the card with the name of the business or group or use the individual names on the card. Try to keep the name list as concise as possible. You might want to get a larger greeting card and have everyone sign it as you collect the contributions. Then bring the card to the flower shop and they can attach it to the design you are sending.
Example: Our deepest sympathy to you and your family. From all your friends at [BUSINESS NAME].
I’d like to send flowers that can also be enjoyed at the viewing and funeral service.
For multiple day services, it is best to send flowers that will be designed in a container with water or floral foam. This will keep the flowers fresh for the longest possible time. Design styles include vase arrangements, baskets and container designs. Plants are also an excellent choice as they may be enjoyed in the home long after the services are over.
Is it appropriate to send flowers for the coffin?
The tradition of adorning the coffin with fresh flowers is typically reserved for the closest family members, often the deceased’s children or those making the funeral arrangements. For that reason, it is recommended that you inquire with the family before ordering a gift of flowers for the casket.
Are there certain types of flowers that are not appropriate for sending to a funeral service?
Every flower when tastefully arranged is appropriate for expressing condolences. Designs that are going to a memorial or funeral service usually have larger flowers to create dramatic tributes. These might include gladioli, snapdragons, lilies, standard chrysanthemums, carnations and roses. Small-scale flowers in mid- to small-size designs are usually used for sending to the home. Only family members who are arranging the funeral should order flowers for the casket.
I’d like to send a colorful, less somber arrangement that celebrates life.
A funeral service is as much about gaining closure following a death as it is about celebrating the delight and energy the deceased brought to life. For that reason, selecting vibrant, colorful and bright funeral flowers are just as appropriate and can add a joyful note of remembrance to an otherwise somber occasion.
I am not certain where the service is being held. Can the florist help me?
Don’t worry, if you have the name of the deceased and the funeral home, most florists have the local obituaries on hand to check them. You can trust the florist to take good care of your order and get your arrangement to the funeral on time. Also, it is possible that the florist may have multiple orders for the same funeral, so they will be aware of any theme or color scheme preferred, and they know the local customs.
I don’t know what to send to a funeral that is out-of-town or overseas
If you are sending flowers to a service that is out-of-town, ask that the local florist who delivers the order to fill it “according to local customs.” Then they will send the style of design that is best suited for the service. There are many types of services, from traditional funerals to memorial services. It is appropriate to buy and send funeral flowers to any of these services.
I want to honor our loved one at the church service in a symbolic way
While there are many Christian symbols that pay thoughtful tribute at a funeral service, one of the most striking is the traditional cross. A classic emblem of memorial and faith provides a lovely focal point.
Flowers sent to the family are sympathy expressions of comfort, peace and hope. They say “I’m thinking of you.”
During times of sorrow, sympathy flowers are messengers of hope.
How do “sympathy flowers” differ from “funeral flowers”?
Sympathy flowers are addressed and sent directly to a loved one of the deceased. They are usually smaller floral arrangements that decorate end tables or can be used as a centerpiece in the family home.
Funeral flowers serve as a tribute to the deceased at the funeral service. Funeral flowers should never be sent to the home as they are too formal, large and inappropriate for a home or office and can be upsetting to the grieving family.
I just heard the sad news… Is it too late to send sympathy flowers?
Some people choose to send flowers a week or so after the funeral when the initial chaos has passed. A nice gesture is to send flowers to the home a period of time after the funeral to remind the bereaved that you have not forgotten them and you are still thinking of them and their loss. And even if a few weeks have passed since the death, flowers are a comforting reminder that friends are still thinking of the family throughout the grieving process.
What is appropriate to send to the family?
A plant or small to mid-size designed sympathy arrangement are typically sent to the home of the surviving family members. Any number of floral arrangements are a welcome gesture, including centerpieces, or even a small teacup with flowers. Some choose a small garden of green plants, accented with a blooming plant for colour.
I’d like to send a gift that will last longer than flowers.
While many of us think of flowers to express sympathy, plants are a perfectly lovely – and lasting – way to show you’re thinking of them. A beautiful way to express your condolence and compassion, plants can be enjoyed for months to come.
I would like to send a gift to the home that’s reverent and not too showy.
When it comes to expressing your condolences in a classic manner, nothing is more elegant than a mix of all-white flowers. White flowers have long represented humility and reverence, while also sending a message of loyalty.
Though it’s a sad time, I’d prefer to send a bright, colorful arrangement.
Keep in mind that a sympathy arrangement doesn’t necessarily have to be dark and somber. During this difficult time, you can help remind the family to celebrate the life that was lived. Flowers add fragrance, color and beauty to an otherwise somber atmosphere and provide a comforting diversion. An arrangement filled with springtime colors – pink, yellow and lavender are a lovely reminder of hope and rebirth.
Parents and family can find it difficult to decide whether children should attend funerals or not. If you like you can ask us for our advice.
Often families choose not to take babies and children under the age of about 3, as they are concerned that they might be noisy. Children old enough to know what is happening should generally be given the choice to attend and their decision respected.
There is no right or wrong decision on whether children should or should not attend a funeral. Here are some points to consider that may help you decide.
Children need simple and honest information when someone has died so that they can understand what has happened as much as possible. When they are grown up they may not remember specific details of the funeral but they will remember that it was a meaningful, non-threatening experience and that they were involved and included in it.
It may be helpful to have an adult who is known to the children and trusted by them but who is perhaps not quite as affected by the death who will be able to take them out of the service and distract them if they become bored or restless or just want to leave.
You may find the following book useful. It was written by ourselves and helps adults deal with the questions raised by children about death and funerals.
Click here for book
Click here if you need to download Adobe Acrobat Reader.
A Friend In Need, Needs a Friend Indeed!
When you are coping with your bereavement, relatives, friends and neighbours are often supportive at the time of a death and during the wake and funeral. However, after the funeral, you may wonder what has happened to your friends.
One of the hardest things to cope with is seeing your friend upset. As a result many people try and avoid the subject and say things like ‘He wouldn’t have wanted to see you crying’.
In reality, most people who are suffering a bereavement want to talk about their loved one and need their friends as a support network. With this in mind we have outlined what we see as the essential elements in helping a friend, neighbour or colleague through a difficult time.
The type of flowers you choose can express your particular sentiments.
The traditional language of flowers provides a way to convey your feelings and send a meaningful message.
The gift of a plant is often an ideal choice, as they provide a long-lasting tribute to the loved one lost, as well as
a constant reminder of the friendship and affection you wish to support the bereaved through the grieving process.
The lily is the flower most commonly associated with funeral services as they symbolize the innocence that has been restored to the soul of the departed. White stargazer lilies symbolizes sympathy and any type of white lily expresses majesty and purity.
Gladioli have a tall flower stem composed of multiple flowers that can measure up to 4 feet tall. Typically used in fan sprays as a classic and elegant arrangement for traditional funeral services. The gladiolus embodies strength of character, sincerity, and moral integrity. They are available in a wide range of colors, including white, pink, red, purple, yellow, orange, salmon, and green.
Long lasting and fragrant, carnations are a popular choice for sympathy arrangements. The red carnation evokes admiration while a pink carnation stands for remembrance. White carnations stand for pure love and innocence.
Chrysanthemums are frequently included in arrangements for funeral services. In some European countries, such as France, Italy, Spain, Poland, Hungary and Croatia, chrysanthemums are symbolic of death and are only used for funerals or on graves. In China, Japan and Korea, white chrysanthemums are symbolic of lamentation and grief, whereas in the US, it symbolizes truth and the flower is usually regarded as positive and cheerful, with New Orleans as a notable exception.
As one of the most recognizable flowers, roses can be a beautiful part of an arrangement of funeral flowers.
White roses evoke reverence, humility, innocence, and youthfulness. Red roses convey respect, love, and courage.
Pink roses signify love, grace, appreciation and gentility.
Dark crimson roses denote grief and sorrow.
Yellow roses are given by friends of the deceased to symbolize their strong ties.
When you include a single rose in a bouquet it expresses enduring love for the deceased.
Orchids say “I will always love you”. When giving an orchid plant as a gesture of sympathy, it is important to give consideration to color.
Pink and white are traditional colors of sympathy.
Varieties such as the phalaenopsis orchid and dendrobium orchid are suggested by florists as appropriate plants
to denote sympathy.
Bright yellow spring tulips and daffodils are a symbol of renewal and fresh starts. For this reason, they are believed
to bring encouragement and hope to a person who is grieving or unhappy so they make a great choice to send as
a sympathy gift to the family home of the departed.
Tulips represent elegance and grace. Yellow tulips represent cheerfulness, white represents forgiveness, and purple represents royalty. The red tulip is said to represent perfect love
Thought to promote peace, harmony, purity, and innocence after death. The Peace Lily includes all plants in the Spathiphyllum genus. Spathiphyllum means “peace and prosperity” in Latin. Peace Lilies are known for their elegant, star-shaped, white flowers and rich, green leaves.
Christians view white lilies as symbolic of the Virgin Mary. They are also associated with the Easter holiday and Christ’s resurrection, because they appear to die in the winter, but are reborn again in the spring.
Sending a seasonal spring plant is a nice and appropriate gesture to send to a grieving family. It can be enjoyed indoors and when they feel up to it they can plant it in their garden. This hardy plant that will grow in almost any soil that is kept moist, and the mophead hydrangeas will continue to bloom for many years. The hydragea is a gift of thanks in repayment for understanding and is given as a gesture of heartfelt sincerity.
Most people have a fear that they are going to upset or offend the person who will receive their sympathy words. Anxiety sets in as you try to find the correct sympathy card wording.
Don’t use phrases like “I know what you are going through” – the reason is that you probably don’t know what the person is going through, and even if you do it can come across as minimizing the suffering and pain the receiving person is feeling.
Below we offer more suitable choices for your sympathy message…
Glossary of Terms
A
Adjournment
An inquest can be opened and adjourned primarily to establish the identity of the deceased, to receive medical evidence and issue certificates for disposal of the body if allowable by the Coroner
Administrator
A person authorized to deal with the affairs of a person dying intestate by taking out Letters of Administration
B
Bequeathal
The donation of a body for Anatomical Examination
Bier
A moveable or fixed stand on which a coffin is placed
C
Casket
A rectangular container for the body, an alternative to a shaped coffin. A container for cremated remains.
Catafalque
A stand with enclosed sides, usually in a church or crematorium, on which the coffin rests during a funeral service.
Cenotaph
A monument honoring a dead person whose body is elsewhere
Columbarium
The building at the crematorium providing facilities for the deposit of caskets containing cremated remains, being placed in niches, or recesses built into walls.
Committal
The part of the funeral service when the remains are committed to the elements
Common Grave
A grave in a cemetery over which no exclusive right of burial is granted and no memorial is erected.
Coroner
A person in England and Wales who has been appointed by the Crown whose duties include the investigation of all sudden and unexpected deaths, to give permission to remove bodies out of England and Wales and to act for the Crown in respect of Treasure Trove.
Coroner’s Jurisdiction
The area assigned to a particular Coroner in which he acts
Coroner’s Officer
An official appointed to assist the Coroner by reporting the death and associated circumstances to him.
Cortege
The funeral procession of vehicles and people involved in a funeral
Cremated Remains
The remains of a human body following cremation.
Cremation
The disposing of a human body by means of burning and reducing it to ashes
Crematorium
An establishment where only human remains are cremated. Such an institution must be registered and authorized by the Secretary of State
Cremator
The name given to the furnace in which human remains are cremated
Cremulator
A machine at a crematorium that contains either steel or concrete balls which reduces the calcified remains that are left after a cremation into fine ash
D
Death Certificate
Technically there is no such form as the Death Certificate. However “The medical Certificate of the Cause of Death” and a “Certified Copy of the Entry in the Register of Deaths” are often mistakenly quoted as the Death Certificate
Disbursements
Items paid for by the Funeral Director on behalf of the family to third parties such as clergy and catering. These will be itemized on the funeral account
E
Embalming
See Preservative Treatment
Exhumation
The removal of human remains from the place where they are interred
G
Garden of Remembrance
An area set aside in the grounds of a crematorium, cemetery or churchyard for the disposal of cremated remains
H
Hearse
A specially designed vehicle for the conveyance of the coffin
I
Informant
The person responsible for attending at the Registrar’s Office to inform the registrar of a death
Inquest
An official inquiry by a Coroner into the exact cause of a death
Interment
Burial of a deceased person
Intestacy
The legal term for the situation where no will has been left by the deceased
M
Medical Referee
The medically qualified official of a crematorium who scrutinises all cremation forms and authorizes cremation
Mortuary
A place where dead bodies are kept prior to being moved by the funeral director
N
Niche
A space in a columbarium or other repository for the retention of cremated remains
P
Pall
An ornamental drape laid over a coffin
Pallbearer
Strictly one of the mourners at a funeral who used to hold up the corners of the pall, but now often applied to one who assists in the carrying of a coffin
Pathologist
A specialist in that part of medicine which deals with the nature of diseases, their causes and symptoms and who carries out post mortem examination to find out the cause of death
Post Mortem
An examination of a body after death to find out the cause of death
Preservative Treatment
A treatment of a dead body consisting fundamentally of arterial injection of a preservative fluid, venous drainage and treatment of the thoracic and abdominal cavities and their contents, in order to preserve the body until the time of committal, to limit the danger of infection and to enable the deceased to be presented as if they are at rest.
Probate
The process by which a will is legally proven.
R
Registrar
The short title of The Registrar of Births, Deaths and Marriages who is responsible for the registration of births, deaths and marriages in a particular registration sub district
Repatriation
Term used when a deceased person is transported back to their home country
Requiescat in Pace
Latin for “may he/she rest in peace” (R.I.P.)
Rigor Mortis
Latin for “the stiffness of death”. The name given to the stiffening of the body after death
S
Sarcophagus
A stone coffin usually embellished with inscription
Scatterer
A contrivance for the scattering of cremated remains
T
Treasury Solicitor
Appointed by the Crown to administer estates where the deceased died with no known next of kin
U
Unconsecrated
The term applied to that part of a cemetery or burial ground not consecrated and reserved for Church of England or Roman Catholic Burials
Urn
A container for cremated remains
V
Vault
A brick or stone burial chamber
Repatriation
We provide a full, professional, bespoke repatriation service to and from every country in the world, which is tailored to individual needs.
Our service includes making all necessary repatriation arrangements with you the family, the coroner, the embassy, the airline and the funeral director.
Please contact us if your loved one needs to be repatriated.
Some questions answered
How long will it take to bring my loved one back to the UK if they die abroad?
From the death occurring this should take no longer than one to two weeks.
Will I be able to use the coffin that comes from abroad, for the burial or cremation to take place in England?
If the coffin is in a decent condition you should be able to use this, but ask the funeral director for their advice on the matter.
If I am abroad with the person who dies abroad, do I have to return to England with the body?
No – you can fly home after the death has occurred and start to organise the burial or cremation over in England or Wales. The body will be returned as soon as all paperwork is in order.
Where will my love one go once back in the UK?
Your loved one will be flown into either Heathrow or Manchester Airport. Once through customs, we will collect your loved one, or the insurance company will deliver your loved one to us
How long will it take to send my loved one from the Uk to their home country?
From the death occurring this should take no longer than one to two weeks. In some cases it can be a lot quicker than this.
Exhumation
Exhumation is the removal of human remains from their place of interment. The need to exhume is not a common occurrence and is only allowed in exceptional circumstances. However, when exhumation is required then it will be carried out with the greatest dignity and respect and with all the necessary legal licences and documentation duly completed
Reasons why exhumations are required
There are a number of reasons why exhumation may be required. Recent exhumations from the City of Carlisle have been carried out because burials have taken place and the family have been unhappy with the location or have decided that they would prefer a full sized grave rather than a cremated remains grave.
Licences to exhume
It is an offence to disturb human remains, including cremated remains, without the correct lawful permissions. The Ministry of Justice (external link) decide applications for exhumation licences.
Which licence to use depends on the location of the grave, i.e. whether it is located in a consecrated or non-consecrated area of the cemetery. Under certain circumstances both of the above licences may be required before an exhumation can take place
If you wish for your loved one to be exhumed, we provide a full-bespoke exhumation service. It includes making all necessary arrangements with the authorities and the arrangement for the subsequent re-internment or cremation of your loved one.
Please contact us if you would like to discuss any aspect of the exhumation of a loved one.
Body to Science
It is important to know that all medical schools in the UK require donated bodies for the medical training of undergraduates, but far fewer are needed now than in previous years.
Some advice
Procedures while alive
• Contact Medical School for information/leaflets
• Leave a witnessed statement of the desire to benefit medical research and leave this with important papers
• Inform the family doctor of the desire to donate a body to a medical school
• There is no need to include this desire in your will as long as your relatives and executor are fully aware of your wishes to leave your body to medical research
• There is no need to send anything to the Medical School regarding your wishes e.g. – declaration of intent
Things to Know
Medical Schools will not accept a donation of a body in the following situations:
• If a post mortem has taken place
• If the cause of death was a result of a disease, infection etc
• If any organs have been removed through surgery or donation for a transplant
• If any actions including disease has altered the normal structure of the body
It’s also recommended that you contact a medical school and they will be able to send you further information
Major Organ Transplant
All NHS Trusts have a transplant co-coordinator who should be consulted with in regards to any organ donations.
All transplants in the UK are looked after by UK Transplant. For further information or to register please contact them.
Different cultural beliefs at time of death
Living in a society represented by many cultures and religious beliefs means that funerals can be celebrated differently.
The information contained in these pages have been approved by community religous leaders. If you are interested in more detailed information, this can be obtained by contacting the appropriate church.
CHRISTIAN
BELIEFS
Christians trust they will go to heaven to be with God once they have died and so in some respects a funeral is a time of joy, although also sadness, as the person will be missed by friends and loved ones.
PREPARING
The church minister may come and visit the person and their family to discuss any concerns and to help the person to prepare for their death. Depending on the form of Christianity (ie. Anglican, Presbyterian etc.) and the particular church, there may be slightly different customs that will be followed.
AT THE TIME
The church minister will offer any comfort or assistance the family needs to help them cope with the death and to organise the funeral. Friends will often send their sympathies in the form of cards and/or flowers to the deceased’s family.
FUNERAL
A Christian may be either buried or cremated, depending on their preference. The ceremony will typically be held at the deceased person’s church and conducted by the minister, but it could also be held at a funeral home. The ceremony may involve hymns, readings and prayer by both the minister and the deceased’s family and friends. The casket may be present in the room during the ceremony and carried out at the end by pallbearers – usually members of the deceased’s immediate family. There is often the opportunity for people to view the deceased and to say their last goodbyes before the deceased is buried.
BURIAL
If the deceased has been cremated the ashes may be scattered. Otherwise, the ashes or body will be buried in a cemetery and marked with a gravestone to remember the deceased.
AFTER
On special occasions such as the deceased’s birthday, Christmas or anniversary of the death, family and friends may come and visit the grave. Often, flowers or other objects to remember the deceased will be placed on the grave as a sign of respect.
CATHOLIC
BELIEFS
Catholics believe that there is an afterlife and that once a person dies they will see God face to face. If a person has committed a grave offence and has not repented at the time of death then that person would not enter into the full glory of heaven.
PREPARING
The sick and the elderly can receive the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick on a regular basis if they wish to. If they can’t get to church on their own they will be taken there by other members of the church.
AT THE TIME
When a person is close to death the family or friends ask a priest to come and pray with the sick person and the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick is administered. This includes anointing with Holy Oils and the reception of the Sacraments of Reconciliation and Holy Communion. After the person has passed away the priest comforts the family and helps them prepare the funeral arrangements.
FUNERAL
The Catholic funeral rite is called the Order of Christian Funerals. Family and friends pray for the soul of the deceased person and ask God to receive their soul into his eternal glory. The Vigil of the Deceased (a prayer service) is held the night before the funeral. On the day of the funeral a Requiem Mass for the deceased person is celebrated. This includes scripture, prayers and hymns. Family and friends are invited to take part in the service.
BURIAL
At the grave or place where the body has been entombed the Rite of Committal is celebrated. Family members and friends along with the priest pray once again for the deceased person as they commit the body or cremated remains to the final resting-place. The gravesite is also blessed.
AFTER
Over the next year family members and friends often have Mass celebrated for the peace of the soul of the deceased person. On special occasions such as the deceased’s birthday, Christmas or anniversary of the death, family and friends will often visit the grave. Flowers or other objects to remember the deceased are sometimes placed on the grave as a sign of respect.
JEWISH
BELIEFS
Beliefs may vary depending on whether the Jewish person is Orthodox, Reform or Conservative. Jews believe that when they die they will go to Heaven to be with God. This next world is called Olam HaEmet or ‘the world of truth’. Death is seen as a part of life and a part of God’s plan.
PREPARING
Family and friends will gather. A rabbi may be called to offer comfort and to pray for the person who is dying.
AT THE TIME
The person’s eyes are closed, the body is covered and laid on the floor and candles are lit. The body is never left alone. Eating and drinking are not allowed near the body as a sign of respect. In Jewish law, being around a dead body causes uncleanliness so often the washing of the body and preparations for burial will be carried out by a special group of volunteers from the Jewish community. This is considered a holy act.
FUNERAL
Jews may not be cremated or embalmed. In Israel a coffin might not always be used but outside of Israel a coffin is almost always used. The body is wrapped in a white shroud. Mourners have the opportunity to express anguish. Tears are seen as a sign of sadness and show that the mourner is confronting death. Mourners also tear their clothing as an expression of grief.
BURIAL
The burial takes place as soon as possible following the death. Pallbearers will carry the casket to the grave. A family member will throw a handful of earth in the casket with the body. This is to put the body in close contact with the earth. Jewish law says each grave must have a tombstone to remember the deceased.
AFTER
A candle is lit after returning from the cemetery to mark seven days of mourning called Shivah. This is when people can offer sympathies to the mourners. A meal is prepared by friends to help the mourners regain their strength. Each year the anniversary of the death is commemorated according to the Hebrew calendar. This day is observed as a solemn day of remembrance.
OTHER INFO
Charitable donations are fitting memorial gifts, please note that flowers are not appropriate.
It is customary for family, friends and coworkers to come by the home and pay their respects to the family, this is known as paying a Shiva call. Desserts, fruit and Kosher food baskets are traditionally taken to or sent to the home, however, flowers are not appropriate for a Shiva call.
HINDU
BELIEFS
Hindus believe in reincarnation. When a person dies their soul merely moves from one body to the next on its path to reach Nirvana (Heaven). So, while it is a sad time when someone dies, it is also a time of celebration.
PREPARING
Family and a priest may come to pray with the dying person, sing holy songs and read holy texts. The priest may perform last rites.
AT THE TIME
Family will pray around the body soon after death. People try to avoid touching the body as it is considered unclean.
FUNERAL
The deceased will be bathed and dressed in white traditional Indian clothing. If a woman dies before her husband she will be dressed in red. The procession might pass by places that were important to the deceased. Prayers are said at the entrance to the crematorium. The body is decorated with sandalwood and flowers. Someone will read from the scriptures. The head mourner is usually a male or the eldest son and he will pray for the body’s soul.
BURIAL
Hindus are cremated as they believe burning the body releases the spirit. The flames represent Brahma (the creator).
AFTER
A priest will purify the family’s home with spices and incense. A mourning period begins during which friends and relatives can visit the family and offer their sympathies. After the funeral mourners must wash and change their clothing before entering the house. If you visit, you are expected to bring fruit.
One year later Shradh occurs. This is either a one-off event or may become an annual event. Shradh is when food is given to the poor in memory of the deceased. Shradh lasts one month and a priest will say prayers for the deceased; during this time the family will not buy any new clothes or go to any parties.
MUSLIM
BELIEFS
There are two types of Muslims – Shi’ite and Sunni, so beliefs and customs may be slightly different for each. Muslims believe that the soul continues to exist after death. During life a person can shape their soul for better or worse depending on how they live their life. Muslims believe there will be a day of judgement by Allah (God). Until then, the deceased remain in their graves but on judgement day they will either go to Heaven or Hell. Muslims accept death as God’s will.
PREPARING
Muslims should be prepared for death at any time, which is partly why daily prayers are so important. A dying person may wish to die facing Mecca, the Muslim holy city. Family members and elders recite the Muslim scripture called the Koran and pray for the person.
AT THE TIME
The eyes of the deceased will be closed and the body is laid out with their arms across their chest and head facing Mecca. The body will be washed by family or friends. It will be wrapped in a white shroud and prayers will be said.
FUNERAL
The body will be buried within 24 hours as Muslims believe the soul leaves the body at the moment of death. The funeral will take place either at the graveside and involve prayer and readings from the Koran.
BURIAL
No women are allowed to go into the graveyard. Before burial a prayer will be recited. Mourners are forbidden from excessive demonstrations of grief. The body will not be cremated as this is not permitted in Islam. The deceased will be buried with their face turned to the right facing Mecca. A coffin is usually not used but a chamber dug into the grave and sealed with wooden boards so no earth touches the body. The grave will usually be simple without any fancy decoration.
AFTER
Three days of mourning follows where visitors are received and a special meal to remember the departed may be held. Mourners avoid decorative jewellery and clothing. Male family members go to visit the grave daily or weekly for 40 days. There will also be prayer gatherings at the home for 40 days. After one year there will be a large prayer gathering of family and friends. After that, male family and friends visit the grave and everyone remembers the deceased in prayers.
OTHER INFO
Opinion varies as to the appropriateness of sending flowers to an Islamic funeral. Some say the Islamic emphasis on simplicity makes gifts of flowers unsuitable. Others say sending flowers is appropriate.
Your best option is to ask a local religious leader or the family if flowers are appropriate. If they are, then fragrant flowers such as roses are very popular. Palm branches, other greens, or individual flowers are also often placed on the grave.
CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST LATTER DAY SAINTS
BELIEFS
Church of Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints (or Mormons as they are also known) believe that at death the body and the spirit separate. The spirit goes to the spirit world before being reunited with the body. The judgement will then occur and after that the person will live in Heaven with God.
PREPARING
The ward bishop and members of the church will offer support to the person who is dying and their family.
AT THE TIME
The ward bishop will go to the deceased’s home and offer assistance to the family in making arrangements for the funeral.
FUNERAL
Funeral services are generally conducted by the bishop in a ward chapel or in a mortuary. Although people mourn the loss of a loved one, the funeral service is viewed as a celebration of the life of the deceased. The service will consist of a eulogy, doctrinal messages, music and prayer. The funeral is designed to bring peace and solace, as church members believe families may be reunited in the life hereafter. Mourners often send flowers to the family to show their support.
BURIAL
Church members who have received temple ordinances are buried in their temple clothing. The grave is dedicated as a place of peace and remembrance for the family. Cremation is generally discouraged.
AFTER
The gravesite is considered to be a sacred place for the family to visit and place floral remembrances.
OTHER INFO
Floral tributes are encouraged and appropriate for a Mormon ceremony, except do not send anything in the shape of a cross. Crosses and crucifix are not permitted because Latter-day Saints believe in the bodily resurrection of Christ.
SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST
BELIEFS
Seventh Day Adventists believe that death is an unconscious sleep. When Christ returns to the earth he will awaken all those who believe in him and they will all go to be with God in heaven.
PREPARING
For a Seventh Day Adventist death is not something to be afraid of but is part of God’s plan. The church minister or lay group leader may come and offer support to the person who is dying as well as their family.
AT THE TIME
Friends may visit and offer sympathies to the family. The church minister or lay group leader may offer assistance in helping with preparations for the funeral.
FUNERAL
The funeral will usually take place within a week. Friends may be able to view the deceased if that is what the family wishes. The service will usually take place at the church, a chapel or crematorium and include music, singing, scripture readings, a sermon and prayers.
BURIAL
Seventh Day Adventists can be buried or cremated. There will be a committal ceremony at the graveside or crematorium. The minister or lay group leader will pray and read scripture as they commit the body to the earth.
AFTER
Friends may visit the family to offer help and offer words of comfort. They may also send flowers or food to the house.
SIKH
BELIEFS
Sikhs believe in reincarnation but also that if a person lives their life according to God’s plan then they can end the cycle of rebirth in this life. They believe in an afterlife where the soul meets God
PREPARING
Friends and relations will be with the dying person and recite from the Sukhnami Sahib.
AT THE TIME
After passing away the deceased will be washed and dressed in clean clothes. If the deceased has fulfilled the Sikh baptismal ritual then the five symbols of Sikh membership will also be placed in the coffin.
FUNERAL
Friend and family drive in procession to the crematorium. Death is not seen as a sad occasion but an act of God and so it is forbidden to cry. There may be an opportunity to view the deceased. Hymns may be sung, prayers and the poem Sohila recited.
BURIAL
Cremation is the norm although Sikhs and only small children and babies will be buried. A male family member will switch the cremation oven on. The ashes will be spread in running water and are traditionally sent to India.
AFTER
Afterwards the mourners will come to the temple for more hymns and readings as well as the distribution of parsad, a kind of bread/pudding, which is a symbol of God’s blessing. For days after the death, Guru Granth Sahib will be read or sung regularly in order to ease the sorrows of the family.
BUDDHIST
BELIEFS
Buddhists believe in rebirth and that when they die they will be reborn again. The goal is to escape the cycle of death and rebirth and attain nirvana or a state of perfect peace. There are lots of different types of Buddhism and many different ways of dealing with death.
PREPARING
The dying person may ask a monk or nun in their particular Buddhist tradition to help them make the transition from life to death as peaceful as possible. Buddhists believe that a person’s state of mind as they die is very important so they can find a happy state of rebirth when they pass away. Before and at the moment of death and for a period after death, the monk, nun or spiritual friends may chant from the Buddhist scriptures.
AT THE TIME
Buddhists believe the spirit leaves the body immediately but may linger in an in between state near the body. In this case it is important the body is treated with respect so that the spirit can continue its journey to a happy state. The time it is believed to take for the spirit to be reborn can vary depending on the type of Buddhism practised.
FUNERAL
Because there are so many different types of Buddhist funeral traditions vary. Funerals will usually consist of a simple service held at the crematorium chapel. The coffin may be surrounded by objects significant to the person who has died. Monks may come with the family to the funeral and scriptures may be chanted.
BURIAL
The person may either be cremated or buried depending on their tradition. There may be speeches and chants on the impermanence of life.
AFTER
The grave may be visited by friends and family in remembrance of the person who has passed away. The importance of the gravesite will depend on the particular Buddhist tradition. Buddhists believe that it is just the physical body that lies in the grave because the person’s spirit has been reborn. Buddhists will often do things to wish for the happiness of the deceased person. For example in Southeast Asia lay people give offerings to the monks in memory of the dead person.
OTHER INFO
White flowers are the traditional Buddhist flower of mourning and may be sent to the family. Sending red flowers or gifts of food are considered poor funeral etiquette. A donation to the family or a designated charity in the name of the deceased are appropriate.
White is worn by the grieving family, friends often wear black. Friends may call at the home of the deceased’s family after the funeral, but not before.
SCIENTOLOGIST
BELIEFS
Scientologists believe that humans are immortal spiritual beings called thetans who live several lives. Each thetan has a body and a mind, which exists from lifetime to lifetime. When a person dies they simply move into a new life.
PREPARING
The Scientology minister may visit the person who is dying and the family providing guidance and assistance at this point in their lives. After the person has passed away the minister will offer comfort to the family and help them to organise the funeral if required.
AT THE TIME
There is no particular protocols after the person has died – it is up to the family and the wishes of the deceased.
FUNERAL
The funeral service will be taken by the Scientology minister who will ask the mourners to remember that the deceased has simply moved into a new life and to wish them well. The minister will speak directly to the thetan acknowledging it for its contributions in this life, releasing it from any obligations and freeing it to move on to its new life. There will probably be a eulogy and reading from the Scientology scripture. It is up to family what else they want to include. The congregation is encouraged to say goodbye to the person.
BURIAL
A scientologist will usually be cremated but may also be buried. If the family goes to the gravesite some words will be said by the graveside.
AFTER
Usually families will receive mourners at their home after the funeral. Mourners may give their sympathies with flowers or cards. The deceased will be remembered on special occasions and flowers placed on the graveside.
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS
BELIEFS
Jehovah’s Witnesses believe that when they die they go into a kind of sleep until God resurrects them from the dead. Those who gain entrance to heaven will live with God but the vast majority of mankind will be resurrected to a restored paradise on earth.
PREPARING
The church elders will visit the person, pray with them and share scripture to bring the person comfort.
AT THE TIME
No rituals are performed at time of death but an elder will give comfort to friends and family of the deceased.
FUNERAL
The funeral is usually held at the Kingdom Hall that the deceased attended or at the funeral home. The body may either be cremated or buried depending on the wishes of the deceased. Mourners will usually wear dignified clothing in muted colours out of respect for the deceased. A church elder runs the service with a sermon, prayers and singing.
BURIAL
A committal service may take place at the graveside if this is the wish of the family. It would include prayers and scripture, which will once again be lead by the church elder.
AFTER
Mourners gather at the family’s house so friends and relatives can offer their sympathies. Flowers and cards are usually sent. Family and friends may come and visit the grave in the coming years to remember the deceased..
Writing a Eulogy
A eulogy should commemorate and celebrate the life of a person. It is a great honour to be asked to give an eulogy as people will remember the deceased through the eulogy.
Here is our advice
Research:
Speak to other family members and friends for information. They may wish to share information and stories which you are not aware of.
It is also an opportunity to reflect on your time with the deceased.
Look through photo albums as these tell a story about the deceased.
Plan:
Once you have gathered your information you need to plan the eulogy layout. You need to find a way which shows the physical interpretation of everything associated with the deceased so you visualize what you are wanting to say.
Style:
You may want an eulogy which is in chronological order which is factual but finishes with a personal note. Alternatively you may want an eulogy which is full of anecdotes, stories and jokes which is less formal.
What to Include:
The content is down to you. However you may wish to include some or all of the following:
• Birth details
• Close family names
• Nick names
• Details about marriage etc
• Military service
• Education
• Favourite things
• Sporting achievements
• Community achievements
• Clubs/society memberships
• Acknowledge guests who have attended
The Delivery:
You need to practice before the day of the funeral.
On the day:
Make sure the eulogy is typed out in large font so it is easy to read and also someone else can take over if you can’t carry on.
Make sure that someone else has a copy of the eulogy just in case you leave it on the kitchen table.
You need to speak slowly as everyone wants to hear what you have to say.
Don’t be afraid to pause – there may be parts that require a short pause
Give eye contact – easier said than done but if you are speaking about a family member, try to look at them when you do.
Do not tap your fingers or feet. Try to stand still
If you feel you have lost the audience, wrap it sooner than later.
Do not have a stiff drink before the funeral